The War Inside
by puddingandpie
Summary: Hermione returns for her 7th year at Hogwarts. The war against Voldemort has been won but the war inside her is only just beginning. *Trigger Warning* contains self harm, PTSD and suicidal ideation, more info inside.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction. The amazing JK Rowling owns the world of Harry Potter. This story is potentially triggering so don't read if the subjects of self harm, depression, anxiety, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder or suicidal ideation will trigger or upset you. I will post more warnings if anything else comes up.**

The train rattled as it took off from the platform. Hermione Granger still dressed in her muggle jeans and blue hoddie quickly moved head down, to the end carriage trying to ignore the stares and whispers as she pass excited first years. The last carriage was assigned to prefects and as head girl she quietly slipped into an empty section glad to avoid the curious looks and questions. Taking the left corner seat she slumped against the window and watched as the crowded industrial buildings merged into small terraced brick houses and eventually lush green countryside.

A sudden loud whistle rung out and the countryside disappeared ... _Blasts and screams echo around me as bits of stone and wood fly around me. .. A group of death eaters fighting up ahead ... A small blond girl with her limbs at odd angles lies to my right, her hazel eye open in shock, blood pooled around her . .. Flashes shooting past me as I dodge spells ... A blast goes off behind me and I throw myself to the ground as darkness takes over._

Opening her eyes Hermione realised that she was crouched on the floor of the carriage, hands over her head. She quickly stood back up chastising herself for having such as stupid reaction about a mere train whistle. What if someone had come in and seen her? Shame flooded through her as her frantically beating heart slowed back down. Sitting back down she remembered the last summer.

The supposed celebrations for finally defeating Voldemort had meant nothing to her as the golden trio had been shuttled from ceremony to ceremony interspersed with funerals of their friends. The first funeral for Tonks and Lupin had ripped her heart as their screaming baby son was clutched to Harry's chest while their coffins were lowered to their final resting places. The next had been Fred's and shattered the rest of her as Ron clung to her, his lifeline, as his brother was buried. She found herself being the one to hold everything together, cooking and organising dates at the burrow while Molly lay in bed not able to get up. She didn't have time to feel when she had to put on a fake smile for the papers. She had cried a lot a night at first but soon she was no longer able to do that as Ron or Ginny or Harry came to her when they couldn't sleep and needed to talk. She didn't mind, sleep was only a nightmare of death and pain as the battle raged, never ending. The only relief she got was when she was alone in the bathroom where she found her release.

She had stayed with Ron and helped him through his grief, she supposed she was his girlfriend but she didn't feel as close to him because she didn't let herself feel enough in fear that if she fell apart she wouldn't be able to get back up. Ron and Harry had been given jobs as Aurors in training and were not retuning this year. Hermione didn't see how the relationship would last now Ron had a job and was no longer relying on her for support. They had agreed to just remain friends before she left.

Shaking herself Hermione pulled a tissue out of her hoddie and wiped the few tears that had escaped from her eyes. Familiar numbness set in and she welcomed it knowing that she had to get ready for the trains arrival. She quickly changed into her robes, pinning her head girl badge on her lapel. Stuffing her clothes back into her trunk she heard a click as the door behind her opened.

Hermione wiped around automatically falling into a battle stance, her hand reaching around to her wand. Seeing who it was she frowned and relaxed slightly but still ready.

"Relax granger" Draco Malfoy smirked flopping down on the seat opposite her. "I'm a good guy now" he said pointing at the badge on his cloak.

"Head boy!?" Hermione exclaimed wondering if McGonagall had gone crazy.

Draco just smirked "something about house unity, I don't particularly want to have to work with you either. Don't worry Granger I won't attack you or anything, not that I couldn't take you but you really aren't worth it."

"Well I'm surprised that you have the nerve to come back after all that has happened. I never realised that you were so committed to your education," Hermione bit back after recovering from her surprise. "Or is it that mummy dearest wants her itty bitty baby safe inside Hogwarts so the big bad Dementors don't scare him."

Draco fumed as his hand went to his wand pocket automatically. The door rolled open as he whipped it out. Headmistress McGonagall stepped in.

"Hello Miss Granger, Malfoy put that away, I'd hate to have to report you before we even reached Hogwarts. You're going to have to learn to not react if you want to get through this year. Miss Granger I must say I expected better from you." She admonished as Draco put his wand away and Hermione looked at her in disbelief.

"Why on earth did you make him head boy!? Why is he even here?!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Because Granger he has the academic record and participation in school events that is required. It shows the rest of the school that we are not above forgiving those that make mistakes as well as encouraging house unity." McGonagall span off but at seeing Hermione's continued disbelief knew that she wouldn't buy the party line. "Draco can you get the prefects organised for our arrival"

"Yes Headmistressr" He smirked at Hermione before sliding out of the compartment.

McGonagall waited until the door was shut before continuing. "It is also hoped that having you living with him and having Head boy duties on top of school work will prevent him from sliding into any bad influences."

Hermione nodded understanding. She didn't trust Malfoy and it did seem like the safest option. She wouldn't like it but her sense of responsibility wouldn't allow her to dispute the decision.

"Yes McGonagall" She said forcing a smile on to her face.

"Don't worry he won't hurt you and if he threatens you I want you to tell me immediately" McGonagall said concerned but not convinced at Hermione's smile dropped her voice to a sombre tone. "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to see you much this summer but I had a lot of work getting Hogwarts back up and running" she apologised referring to her brief appearances during the funerals.

"It's okay I understand, it's a miracle that I was fixed in time" Hermione said trying to make her smile more believable.

"Well I'll see you at the feast then" McGonagall replied before leaving, a niggling feeling that something was not quite right left in the back of her mind.

"See you then" Hermione replied waiting until she was out of the carriage to slump back down exhausted.

She had no idea how she was going to be able to get through the rest of the evening. The stares and pitied of students through dinner, absence of Harry and Ron. Together they would have been able to support each other but for the first time she would have to face this year alone. She felt fear building up. She didn't know what was going to happen. For so long the future was always about destroying Voldemort, finding horcuxes, winning the war. But now the future was a vast thing that stretched into oblivion and she was terrified of what was going to happen. She felt anger at Harry and Ron. They knew what they were going to do. They had each other to back them up. She had no idea what she should do and she would have to face it alone. The anxiety built up, her mind spinning, her stomach tearing itself apart and her chest feeling like it was going to explode. Hermione concentrated on her breathing chastising herself for letting herself get into a state.

Quickly she pulled a small compact out of her bag. She knew that she had to get her relief if she was going to make it. Popping open the compact she carefully drew out a razor blade. The fresh bade flashed as she turned it in her fingers the sunlight from my window bouncing off its surface. Knowing that she didn't have much time she quickly pulled her skirt up her thighs. Tracing her fingers over the purple marks etched into her skin she quickly drew the razor across her skin. She continued making 3 small lines of red, leaning back a smile etched on her lips as she felt the sting of the cuts. Her spinning mind slowed down as she focused on the pain and beads of blood.

Sighing she pulled a tissue from the compact and wiped the blood away. She then drew a few bandaids out and covered the cuts. She quickly scourgified the razor and put it back in the compact before throwing the rubbish a bin under the seat. She slipped the compact into her pocket and left the cabin to go and help Malfoy get the prefects organized. Hermione knew that what she was doing was bad but it was the only thing that she found gave her the strength to keep going. Being the strong one was hard and she needed her escape.

**So that's my first chapter. Thank you for taking the time to read it. **** Reviews and constructive criticism are very much appreciated. I will write more this week and hopefully upload a new chapter by next Sunday. Have a good week. **


	2. Chapter 2

**JK Rowling owns the Harry Potter Universe. **

Hermione spent the last 15 minutes of the journey helping Malfoy assign the prefects to their years that they would be in charge of when the students disembarked. She waited until after the train had stopped and most students had disembarked before leaving. Shivering, Hermione stepped onto the freezing platform. The smoke drifted into the night as students streamed out. A hand grabbed her arm with a jolt stopping her in her stride.

"Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed seeing that Ginny, Luna and Neville were waiting just behind her.

"Hey, what took you so long?" Ginny joked as the four started to walk off the platform.

"Head girl duties." Hermione replied fastening on a smile as Ginny rolled her eyes in response.

"I wonder were the Threstles are" Luna said looking at the back open carriages waiting for the students to take to Hogwarts. "I hope they haven't got Spotted Cornish fever."

Hermione had forgotten that she should be able to see the Threstles that normally drew the carriages, invisible to all but those that had seen death.

"Probably didn't want to traumatise the students more" answer Neville as Hermione shivered, glad to not have to see the skeletal, winged, horse like creatures.

"Come on we don't want to be late." Ginny hurried, moving towards the nearest carriage.

Ginny, Luna and Neville continued to chat and catch up from the summer as the carriage started towards Hogwarts. Hermione felt that a glass wall slip between her and the others as their conversation faded into the background. Their talk about Quidditch teams, subjects they had selected and who was going out with who just seemed so trivial. Did they even remember what had happened? The 50 students that would now never return to Hogwarts?

"Hey are you okay?" Ginny asked Hermione as they arrived at the entrance.

"Yeah I'm just really tired after getting the prefects ready and dealing with Malfoy." Hermione replied putting her smile back on and rolling her eyes for greater effect.

"Malfoy!? You don't mean he's the Head boy!?" Ginny exclaimed in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell us about this? He didn't threaten you did he?"

"Yes unfortunately he is. However he is on a kind of probation where he isn't allowed to hurt or threaten anyone." Hermione explained wondering how Harry and Ron would react when they hear about it. She vowed to send them an owl before they came barging into the school or had some other stupid, irrational reaction.

"If he gives you any trouble, let me know" Neville said flexing his arms resulting in groans from Luna and Ginny.

As they reached the great hall they were suddenly by the students moving to take their places at their house tables. Ginny quickly sat down, pulling Hermione with her as the Gryffindor table filled up.

"Hey Hermione, it's good to see you back." Dean Tomas said sitting down next to her.

Hermione just smiled and gave him a nod as the hall filled up with the chatter of students greeting their friends. More Gryffindors greeted Hermione as they sat down but she didn't feel like getting into a conversation that could lead to talk about last year so she just said hi back and looked at the table. It was only as the chatter died down that she realised that McGonagall was about to give a speech.

"Welcome to a new year to Hogwarts." McGonagall announced her glasses perched on her nose as they trailed around the room. "To all those students who are joining us here for the first time welcome and to all those returning welcome back. It was a difficult challenge to have the school ready for the start of the year, there was much damage left over from the terrible battle that passed. However working with the ministry and the reconstruction teams we were able to rebuild in a very quick manner. Looking at the final construction with all the workers from the apprentice's to master engineers working together to accomplish the one goal I was reminded of what it was that won the war.

It was not money, nor power; it was not our ancestry or our numbers. It was what Hogwarts is all about; working together to reach a common goal, seeing differences something that provides an advantage rather than a thing to be crushed. Difference as a thing not to split us apart, but to bring us closer together and create a more diverse community.

And it is this that will bring us out of the dark times of the war to a new time of acceptance and cooperation with our fellow witch and wizard. I encourage you all to move out of your groups and houses to interact with your fellow students. Make new friends and support each other as we strive to heal the wounds that we have all sustained. Hogwarts is rebuilt physically but it is up to us to rebuild it as a school and community that is accepting and loving that will give Hogwarts back it soul. "McGonagall finished as the hall was filled with the sound of applause as students started to stand up.

Hermione followed Ginny's lead standing up as the school gave McGonagall a standing ovation. Once the hall was quiet again McGonagall finished introducing the teachers and starting the sorting process. Hermione thoughts had turned away to the previous time she had been in the Great Hall.  
Stretches had been laid out along the floor with small groups crowding around and healers working frantically around others while agonizing screams echoed in the air. About half of the stretches had blankets over them, revealing only the outlines of their occupants.

"Earth to Hermione, dinners ready" Ginny broke Hermione out of her trance to see steaming food spread along the table.

Hermione didn't feel hungry anymore but grabbed some steamed vegetables to pick at. Ginny looked at her concerned when she realised that Hermione wasn't talking but Hermione just yawned and excused herself to go to bed. She got up and waved at the table before quickly heading out of the hall. McGonagall and Malfoy met Hermione at the doors of the great Hall.

"You will be staying together in the Head's quarters so you can be in contact for organisation of patrols of prefects, school events and emergencies. " McGonagall said as she led them out of the hall and down a corridor. "Your password is lemon Quaffle and you can each set a password for your individual bedrooms. I trust that you are mature enough that there will be no trouble between yourselves."

"Yes Headmistress" Hermione and Malfoy replied as they arrived in front of a mahogany door with the Hogwarts crest carved on it.

"Very good. I will see you in class" McGonagall said before striding back down the corridor.

"Lemon Quaffle" Hermione said making the door swing open before addressing Malfoy. "Before you say anything can we just make a truce because this isn't going to work very well if we're at each other's necks?"

"Sure, don't make a mess and leave me alone when we're not doing head duties and I'll leave you alone." Malfoy said looking at Hermione frowning as he looked over the small lounge room with brown leather couches in front of an ancient iron fireplace and a window on the back wall looking over the quad.

"Fine by me" Hermione said before walking to one of the 3 doors along the side walls and opening it. "Looks like we have to share a bathroom."

"At least we have our own bed rooms" Malfoy said in disgust as they each opened the doors on each side of the door to the bathroom. "Well I'm going to go to bed. Night"

"Bye." Hermione said before thinking Winky Dobby as her password making the door swing open.

The room was much bigger than the one Hermione had at home. In the middle stood a huge 4 poster bed with red curtains that went around it. An old chestnut cupboard stood opposite it and an oak desk was positioned on the far wall under a window that looked out to the lake and the land beyond with Hogsmeade in the far distance. Stunned at the extravagance she walked to the end of the bed and sat down. Looking to her right she saw a lovely white dresser and mirror sat on the wall with her suitcase next to it.

She knew that she should be excited and happy at her new position and room but she couldn't feel anything. Maybe it just hadn't sunk in she thought as she began to unpack her clothes, levitating the neat piles into the wardrobe. It felt like more that she ever deserved. She had done no more than what anyone else would do and she hadn't even succeeded. Sure Voldemort was dead but she should have been able to save more, if only she had studied more. So much for the greatest which of the age, more like the laziest. She promised to work harder this year, who knew how many lives she could have saved if she had paid more attention to healing spells instead of spending her time running around with Ron and Harry. Well there would be no distractions this year. It was a bit late to save Tonks, Lupin, Fred or the other dead now but she could do the best to make sure that no one would ever perish as she stood idly by again. She collected her books from the bottom of her truck and placed them on her desk. She could get ahead by doing some reading tonight so she could focus more in class tomorrow. She pulled out the first book, Advance potions 7th year she started to read.

**So that's my second chapter. I know it's going a bit slow but it will speed up a bit as Hermione starts school. I will try to post next week but I'm moving back to uni so I might be a bit late. If you have any suggestions, comments leave it in the review as I would love to hear what you think about it so far **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello dear readers. Sorry I haven't been able to update for awhile. Since starting uni again I've been busy but the holidays are coming up soon so I should be able to update a lot more then. Trigger warnings of depression, self harm, suicidal ideation etc still apply so don't read if that will upset you. Also it would be awesome if you could review so I could know if anyone actually likes this (constructive criticism welcome). Anyway as always I don't own anything. Enjoy **

Hermione awoke, slumped over her desk. It was dark so she automatically lit her wand. She was just about to check the time when she heard a scream. Heart pounding, she ran out of the room to see smoke drifting down the corridor. The building shook making plaster fall down from the roof as fear seized her. She ran towards the smoke as shouts and bangs rang through the air as she reached the quadrangle. _No_, she thought as a familiar scene emerged, _not again_. Figures duelled sending bright flashes of colour whizzing around her as smoke drifted up towards the sky. She wanted to run, run as far as she could away to safety but her legs moved forward as a figure stepped out of the smoke towards her. His bald snake like head and thin mouth smiled as she raised his wand towards her. The last thing she saw was the bodies of Ron and Harry at his feet as a green flash filled her vision.

Hermione felt hard wood under her head as she awoke. She sat up and realised she was still at her desk. Books were strewn over it and her skin was soaked with sweat. She stood up groaning as she muscles stretched painfully from being such a cramped position. Her head thudded as she checked her watch, 5.27 am, it was too early to get up but there was no way she was getting back to sleep. She felt disgusting and her mouth was parched. She decided to take a shower and grabbed a dressing gown as she headed out of her room.

She didn't want to wake Malfoy so she cast a silencing charm as she locked the bathroom door. A huge white marble tub sat in the middle of the room. The floor and walls were covered in white tiles and a toilet and sink were located at the back of the room with fluffy white towels were hung next to the tub. Quickly stripping her uniform Hermione stepped into the bath and pressed a button that had a picture of a shower head carved next to it. A waterfall of water gushed from the roof into the bath. She closed her eyes and stood under it enjoying the pounding of the water onto her body.

The dream played through Harmonies' head again and again as tears streamed down her face. It had seemed so real. Ron and Harrys' lifeless eyes, their mouths open in shock. Voldemort's flashing red eyes and the piercing screams of the injured.

It became louder and louder and Hermione slumped down in the tub banging her head on its side desperate for it to stop. Picking up the metal bath plug she transfigured it into a razor blade and slashed at her thigh, gasping as pain hit her and blood pumped out. It burned as the water flowed over it washing away the blood and the sound of screams. She watched the blood flow down her leg calming her and brining her out of the nightmare. Looking at the 3 gashes she had made, the skin torn open revealing fat underneath she realised that she had cut far deeper than she had before. The blood wasn't stopping and she knew that she should be worried but couldn't bring herself to care. A few more cuts like that she could lie down and fall asleep forever.

NO she told herself. Why are you thinking like that? What is wrong with you? She quickly reached over to her wand and cast healing spells that sewed up the cuts leaving only a few thin white lines. Trying to forget what she had thought Hermione transfigured the bath plug back and finished cleaning off the blood and turned off the shower. Once she had got back to her room she got dressed, dried her hair and packed her bag. It was now 7 so she made her way to the Great Hall.

The Great Hall was mostly empty as it was still early. Hermione took a seat away from the small groups gathered near the end of the table. She didn't feel hungry but made herself a piece of toast with some jam on it anyway. Her body felt heavy from exhaustion so she stared down at the table as she ripped off bits of the toast of eat. When she had finished half the piece of toast she noticed the hall was starting to fill up. Not feeling like getting into a conversation she stood up and left the hall. Hermione felt someone grab onto her arm making her jump and turn around.

"Hey" Ginny was standing in front of her with Seamus and Dean behind her. "We're going to breakfast. Want to come?"

"No I've already had breakfast" Hermione said quickly. "Plus I've got to get my books before class"

"Oh, okay" Ginny said looking concerned. "Well I'll see you at lunch then"

"Sure" Hermione answered before quickly walking in the opposite direction.

Hermione threw herself into the classes of the day, taking notes and carefully following instructions for spells and potions. It was as she exited charms class that she heard someone shout behind her.

"Hey" A voice called again as she turned around to see Patsy Parkinson and a group of Slytherins standing down the corridor.

"Aren't you going to say hi?" Patsy asked in a sickly sweet voice as Hermione reluctantly walked over. "I didn't think you'd be coming back to Hogwarts this year. Didn't get the ministry to give you a free pass? Or couldn't you bear being parted with your dear library?"

"Wow, you haven't grown up one bit have you?" Hermione asked rolling her eyes at the queen bee. "I'll give you a tip. No one cares anymore. Being the prettiest airhead isn't going to get you far in life. Half of the Slytherins that you would have been married off to are either dead or in Azkaban with their fortunes frozen. If you want to be able to eat you'll have to get a job like the rest of us. This is going to be a problem since you don't seem to have anything between your ears." Hermione finished turning to walk away.

"Ohhh, so that's why Ron dumped you" Patsy called making Hermione slow. "You have nothing except what's between your ears. Who'd want a fat ugly prude who won't put out anyway?"

Hermione stoped herself from replying, not wanting to give Patsy the satisfaction of knowing that it got to her. She reminded herself that Patsy was a bitch who knew nothing. Ron hadn't dumped her anyway; they'd just agreed to be friends until things settled down. Still the words stung. She knew she wasn't the best looking girl but that didn't matter, she had better things to do anyway. Not forgetting last nights pledge to work harder. She picked up the pace wanting to grab some books from the library before lunch.


End file.
